I never knew before
by chica13
Summary: Little one-shot about the horrors the Games forced Tributes to carry out and the mental scarring the Victor is left with.


**Random little one-shot.**

To show your love for someone, you sometimes have to sacrifice. To give up something of value to you. For most, it is something trivial like a job or an offensive friend.

My sacrifice was my humanity.

I never knew before, the way it felt to pluck the strings of a child's soul, to pick through their innermost wants and needs, until you found what you were looking for.

Their need for safety.

I never knew before, the way blood immediately gurgles out of a wound, almost as if the body _itself _was fighting for that last breath, covering the hand that dealt the final blow in its warmth.

The act of _murder._

I never knew before, the fear we humans possess of eternal damnation, of losing everything we've ever hoped and dreamed of accomplishing.

The fear of death.

I never knew before, the pure, raw, _pain _of letting go, of losing a piece of yourself to a person who will never experience everything life has to offer.

The pain of losing someone.

I never knew before, the feeling of unbridled anger coursing through my veins as red hot fury propelled my forward, blocking my sense of vision with a dark shade of red.

The _need _for revenge.

I never knew before, the moment of absolute breakage, where everything was tainted with a dark feel and nothing was right or wrong anymore.

The feeling of insanity.

I never knew before, the sense of relief and regret that clogs my lungs as I stare into the light of the hovercraft, my body no longer bound to the horrors of the prison we've been kept in.

The feeling of absolute relief.

I never knew before the Games.

All this ran through my mind as I pulled myself onto the roof of my house. My house in Victor Village.

I let a smile briefly flutter across my face as a breeze caressed my lithe body. My lips quirked even further upwards at the steady thump of the Peacekeepers' boots. Did they not realize that patrolling at night was pointless? The fear in the hearts of the people who lived in my District had long since learned the sting of a whip and what would bring about that punishment.

I rocked back and forth on the ledge of my roof, my smile having disappeared as my previous thoughts came back to haunt me once again. The nightmares and visions were already horrifying in their clarity, but now, even my own thoughts are not safe.

My slow descent into madness had not gone unnoticed and I had been forced to attend psychological evaluations by a specialist from the Capitol. Her questions always amused me, as she seemed to be ignorant to what had transpired only a few weeks ago.

"_Why do you think you feel this way?"_

The answer was simple. I had murdered. Over and over again I had allowed the scarlet water to wash onto my hands and stain my skin a dark red.

I closed my eyes as I turned my back to the view of my home. My hands shook in nervousness as I spread my arms out wide, drawing strength from the bitter cold nipping at my fingers.

I felt a tear drip down my face as I thought again of the Games. I had lost everything. My friends, my sanity, my sense of compassion and care. But the one thing that finally broke me was losing Cato. I had _loved _him! And the Games took him away from me! Snatched him from me in an act of utter cruelty! My heart constricted inside my chest as I thought of him. We could have won. _Together_.

As I took a step back, my heart began to beat faster. I could almost hear the cries of my friends, telling me to stay and accept an offer for help. But I would not be the Capitol's plaything any longer. They would not win! I will not allow myself to slowly die from the inside out, internally tortured by visions of death and gore. The sounds of ripping flesh and screams of terror played through my mind like a record, continuously lapping against my ear drums like a horrifying lullaby.

As my body began to fall, I opened my eyes to look at the stars once more. One star seemed to shine brighter than all the others, as if though its glory was too much for just a common star. The other twinkling lights seemed to shrink away from the brighter star, as if though getting too close would result in catastrophe. And in that moment I knew. I knew that Cato was up there, waiting for me with outstretched arms and a smirk on his face as always.

I never knew, after carrying a burden for so long, that I would find myself better for it, that I would actually feel strong and in control of my mind again.

The relief of death.

And then, my fall ended.

**So this supposedly innocent trip into the mind of a tribute got dark pretty damn fast.**


End file.
